First and foremost, please know that I am so proud of you.
It’s already been twenty years. I can still imagine how startled you were when your mom told you stories about how you fought for life when you were still a baby, how she was crying because she thought you won’t live long. But hey! You’ve survived and you’re already in your twentieth! God is indeed amazing!
Do you remember the first day you were sent to school? I can feel how excited you were. You were full of questions about how a classroom looks like, what a teacher looks like. You were very excited to hold the pencil and write on your paper. And that moment when you learned how to put color on the shapes you drew, I knew you were the happiest. Every day when you go to school, you knew it would mean another stars from your teacher which you always proudly showed to your mom and dad who would always say, “Very good, anak!” and you always got that pat on your back. How nice that feeling was.
Can you still remember the feeling of being able to top the class? I doubt if you even felt anything that time. You were still in kindergarten then and you didn’t know a thing about competitions. You didn’t feel any pressure or anything. You still didn’t value those things. Those were the days when competition is not yet a thing, where you don’t feel pressured of the people around you. You just felt nothing, like everything was just equal. Nobody was above any other. Life seems peaceful then.
Do you still remember the first time you joined a group and danced in front of many people? I guess you felt shy (because you were always the shy kid), but still you managed to dance that shyness away without the feeling of holding back. You didn’t care yet about how other people might say. You were carefree. That’s what the freedom of not caring about the judgmental society feels like and that was great.
Do you still remember the first time when you weren’t able to be on the top 10? That was one of those times when you felt some things are really just unfair – that people are unfair. Yet, you still managed to brush that idea off your mind. You were just ten then and you chose to enjoy your life and I’m glad you did.
Do you still remember when you first joined a Math Competition? Among any other pupils from different schools, you were on top and that was the first time you felt how awesome it is to be on top and whenever that annual competition came, you tried your best to ace it. And that’s when the word “competition” made sense to you.
And there came high school.
Do you still remember how nervous and excited you were during the first day of school? I can still picture your smile and how happy you were then, how excited you were upon going home to tell your mom, dad, and your siblings about what first day high feels like. You even tried to name your classmates one by one. And I saw how you liked them a lot and that was good.
Can you still remember that day when you saw your classmates’ gadgets, luxurious cars and big houses? You started to look little about yourself. You felt like you were nothing because you’re just poor and your classmates were rich. You somehow felt envious. But the good thing is you again managed to shrug the idea away. You just tried to fit in with just keeping quiet. You didn’t boast about anything, because you don’t even have anything to boast about. You just never wanted to be humiliated which, gladly, your classmates never ever did. Imagine how blessed you were for having them.
Do you still remember those times when you tried your hardest to meet every requirement in school and pass the exams? That was the time when you wanted to prove to yourself that even without those gadgets, luxurious cars, and big houses, you can still be on the same level with your classmates when it comes to academic performance. You were too eager then.
Do you still remember when you ranked third during the second quarter of your sophomore life? I knew how happy you were and how proud you were of yourself then. Even if it was just once, it has been a big thing to you.
Do you still remember when you had your first ever ultimate crush? Maybe that was one of your greatest treasured high school memories. You got to see him every school day and even abled to be near him, joined the same lunch table with him and belonged in the same circle of friends. You’ve got a lot of happy (and hurtful) memories with him, right? Those will always be treasured, I know.
Do you still remember those times when you had a lot of happy crushes in school? You don’t know them, even their names, but just by simply seeing them around the campus makes your day. And sometimes, having those mere happy crushes is way better than having an ultimate crush. Am I right or am I right?
Do you still remember when you lost one of the most important persons in your life? Of course you won’t. It’s almost three years ago, but I know, until now, that heartbreaking memory still flashes back. Everything’s still clear like as if it just happened yesterday. And that’s when you knew that your friends got your back and right at this moment, while typing this, I know how you missed your high school friends, and yeah, how you missed your dad.
Do you still remember when you marched to get your diploma? You were teary-eyed then, because you remembered your dad. He was the most excited person for your graduation. He was the proudest. He even jokingly said that he will save his salary so he could buy a barong for your graduation, but he, very unexpectedly, was not able to make it. (Sorry for bringing the memories back. Stop crying, dear self. Let me wipe your tears.)
Do you still remember when you first stepped in college? You were anxious then. You were not yet ready. At first, you didn’t like the idea of going to that university, right? It wasn’t your dream university, I know. You once dreamed to be an Iska, but that’s okay. This is where the force of the universe brought you. Everything happens for a reason, right?
Do you still remember that another heart-breaking moment when you lost a loved one once again? I bet yes, because again, you never forget moments like those. He was your best supporter and how you missed him so much. But that’s the context of real life, right? People always come and go. We have to accept that fact, whether we like it or not. And again, things happen for a reason. You missed your grandpa, yes. I know I’m holding back your tears. I feel like there’s a lump in your throat.
Do you still remember the first time you joined a competition in college and won? You never saw it was coming, but it just did. GOD IS ALWAYS GREAT. That was the time when people (your classmates and some fellow BSA) started to notice you. You felt like somehow you are invisible no more. That feeling was good, I bet.
Do you still remember those times when you got your heart broken by a guy you never even had? Let’s be thankful for those moments. It made up who you are now. Even though it made you not to trust guys anymore (not for now perhaps), but maybe it’s for good. You can’t let any guy go along your way just yet. Enjoy yourself first. You still have a lot of time to explore. Being twenty does not mean you already need a boyf, right?
Memories, memories, memories, you’ve made a lot – that maybe something that brought you bliss or something that wretched your heart – they all made you to a person you’ve become. And reminiscing all those moments and reminding you of them one by one might take almost forever. So, let’s just keep anything else between you and your memory.
Whoa! It’s seems like just a few months ago when you were still that curious little girl wondering what it feels like to be a young adult. Now you’re twenty and so, let that sink in, self (OMG!). I know that the road you’ve gone through was never smooth. There were bumps and holes along the way, yet you made it this far. You’ve grown up a little bit more. It’s pretty much of a challenge to function in a world of increasing tensions and problems where everyone expects you to be more responsible, but I know you can do it. I know you can.
Just please remember to think first about the possible concerns before making a decision – that may be big or small. Don’t deprive yourself of the freedom and happiness that you need. Don’t be held back by the thought about what people might say. Just do what you think is right. Give importance to your studies. Drop those nasty habits if you must. Never hesitate to give your best shot. Take care of yourself. Show your love to the people around you. Don’t settle in your comfort zone. You’re a teen no more and going outside the line could be great. Just give it a try. Change could be good. Just don’t forget about your limits. And lastly, be an instrument to ease your family’s burden. Ask for help from the Man above. Never forget Him. He’s the reason for everything.
I LOVE YOU, SELF! AGAIN, I AM SO PROUD OF YOU! Cheers to a splendid 20’s ahead of you! *throws confetti*
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