when i was younger, 30 felt old. not old old, obviously, but old enough that i was pretty sure i’d have my life figured out by then.
i thought 30 was the age where i’d already have a family of my own. a husband, maybe one or two kids, a house, a car. i’d probably be working in some kind of management position, doing well for myself, and somehow still have the energy to come home in my heels and be a hands-on mom.
i actually pictured myself as a career mom.
the kind who helps her kids study, is strict when she needs to be, but still has a good relationship with them. the kind who is ambitious and independent but still very much present at home.
i didn’t really know what it would take to become that woman. i just knew i wanted to be her.
i also thought 28 was probably the age i’d settle down, which is funny now because i’m 30 and... i’m still figuring things out. lol
one of the strangest things about turning 30 is realizing that i don’t actually feel that different from the girl i was in my 20s. i really thought i’d wake up one day and suddenly feel like a proper adult™. instead, i’m just here. still me. just a little more tired.
there are things about my life right now that younger me definitely would not have expected. for one, i still live with my mom. as the eldest daughter, i always assumed i’d be the first one to leave. i thought i’d be the one who would eventually have her own place, her own household, her own little family.
instead, somehow, the opposite happened. i’m still here. and sometimes i look at my life and think, huh. i really thought i’d be somewhere else by now.
i thought i’d have my own house. maybe even a piece of land. i’d have a car. i’d be comfortable enough that i wouldn’t have to think too hard about money. that was what “successful” looked like to me when i was younger. not necessarily rich. just... comfortable. having your own things. being able to afford the conveniences you want. not having to think twice before buying something you need.
i don’t have those things yet. and if i’m being honest, sometimes it makes me sad. not all the time. not even most of the time. but sometimes.
sometimes i do wonder how different things might look if i weren’t a breadwinner. if a bigger portion of what i earned could have gone toward building my own life instead of helping take care of the family i came from.
i always knew i’d help my family. i’m the eldest, so that part wasn’t exactly a surprise. what i didn’t expect was becoming the sole breadwinner.
i thought that by this age, i’d be more focused on building a family of my own. instead, a big part of my adult life has been about making sure the family i already have is okay.
and i don’t say that with resentment. it’s just... different from what i pictured.
there are things i thought i’d have by now, and there are also things i thought i’d be ready for by now. like motherhood. i genuinely thought 30-year-old me would already know how to be a mom. HAHA. turns out, the idea of being responsible for an actual human being scares me. like, wait. me? someone’s mom? are we sure?????
and now that i’m actually 30, i’m strangely relieved that i don’t have my own family yet, because i still want to enjoy my life. i like being able to decide what i want to do with my time. i like being able to make plans without having to think about another little person. i like that there’s still room for me to figure myself out.
so yep, i feel behind, but i also don’t want to rush. i can be sad that i don’t have the house or the car i thought i’d have by now, while also being grateful that i haven’t had to become the person i imagined i’d be at 30 just yet. i can look at other people and wonder if i’m late, while also knowing that i’m not actually in a hurry to arrive at the life i thought i wanted.
i think both things can be true.
maybe that’s what 30 feels like for me. exhausting. like a never-ending cycle of trying to figure things out. work. money. family. relationships. the future. what i want. what i should be doing. whether i’m doing enough. but also... more aware. i think i’m much more aware now than i was when i was younger. i’ve lived through things i didn’t know were coming. i’ve become capable of things i never really imagined i’d have to be capable of.
i always knew i’d help support my family because i’m the eldest. i just didn’t know i’d become someone capable of supporting a whole family. and maybe that’s something younger me would be proud of.
i don’t know.
sometimes i think about that girl who thought 30 was so far away. she probably would’ve looked at me and asked:
where’s your house?
where are the kids?
where’s the car?
why are you still living with mom?
and honestly, i’d probably have a lot of explaining to do. 😂 but i’d also tell her that we’re okay. not completely figured out. not exactly where we thought we’d be.
but okay.
i’d tell her that we still want a home. we still want a comfortable life. we still have things we’re working toward. and we’re not actually running out of time, because that’s another weird thing about turning 30.
life feels like it’s moving so quickly.
sometimes i think, how am i already 30? but at the same time, i still feel young. i still feel like there’s so much time. and i think that’s the part i keep reminding myself of.
i don’t have to have everything figured out just because i turned 30. i don’t have to suddenly become the woman i imagined when i was younger.
maybe i’ll have the house someday. maybe the car. maybe the kids. maybe life will look completely different from what i imagined anyway.
for now, i’m still here. still figuring things out. still becoming.
and if i could go back and tell my 25-year-old self one thing, i’d probably skip all the profound advice. i’d just grab her by the shoulders and say: save money, please. seriously. you have no idea.
saying goodbye to my twenties
oh, twenties… what a decade.
it feels unreal to say goodbye to it already. it was messy, beautiful, and heavier than i ever expected. full of things i didn’t plan for and lessons i didn’t know i was signing up to learn.
i felt the weight of responsibilities pressing down on me early on. i felt the pressure to have it all figured out... to be married, settled, achieving something big, keeping up with everyone else’s timeline. i compared myself to paths i didn’t even consciously choose, and sometimes that comparison made me feel small, behind, and not enough.
there were moments when it felt like everyone else was moving forward while i was standing still, just trying to keep my balance.
but my twenties weren’t only about pressure and uncertainty. they were also about quiet victories, the kind that don’t make it to social media.
laughing so hard i forgot everything else.
spending time with people who made life feel lighter.
sitting alone and feeling genuinely at peace.
keeping life simple, even when it wasn’t impressive.
choosing my own pace, even when it felt slow or messy.
those moments carried me. they reminded me (again and again) that this life is mine, not anyone else’s. and even when i couldn’t feel it, even when progress wasn’t obvious, i was growing.
where i am at 30
if i’m being completely honest, when i measure my life using the most common markers of success, it’s easy to feel like i haven’t accomplished much.
no enough savings.
no big investments.
no property.
no business that feels fully stable or established.
for a long time, i carried shame around that. i thought it meant i had failed somehow, that i made the wrong choices or didn’t move fast enough. but context matters, and i’m finally allowing myself to acknowledge mine.
my twenties were not about acceleration. they were about endurance.
i learned how to survive before i learned how to build. i learned how to adapt when plans fell apart. i learned how to choose responsibility over risk, stability over speed. i didn’t build wealth, but i built resilience, self-awareness, and the ability to start again without losing myself.
that counts, even if it doesn’t show up neatly on paper.
the biggest lessons my twenties taught me
these aren’t lessons i learned from major wins. they’re lessons i learned from living through things quietly, imperfectly, and honestly.
1. progress is not always visible while it’s happening.
i learned that some of the most important growth looks like nothing from the outside. there were long stretches where i felt stuck, behind, or stagnant, only to realize later that i was learning skills, boundaries, and self-trust that i couldn’t have skipped. progress doesn’t always announce itself. sometimes it only makes sense in hindsight.
2. survival is a legitimate season, not a failure.
there were years when my main goal was simply to get through, to stay afloat, to keep things steady, to not fall apart. i used to think those years didn’t “count.” now i know they were necessary. survival taught me discipline, patience, and humility. it gave me a foundation strong enough to build on later.
3. responsibility quietly shapes your timeline.
carrying responsibility early changes the pace of your life. it delays certain dreams but deepens your perspective. i learned that choosing stability doesn’t mean abandoning ambition. it means protecting it until the timing is right. i wasn’t late. i was doing what my life required of me at the time.
4. being capable can make you forget yourself.
i became the person who adjusts, who figures things out, who doesn’t fall apart publicly. capability taught me strength, but it also taught me how easy it is to neglect my own needs. i learned that just because i can carry a lot doesn’t mean i should carry everything alone.
5. comparison creates pressure, not direction.
comparing my life to other people’s timelines didn’t motivate me. it made me anxious. i learned that urgency often comes from fear, not purpose. letting go of comparison helped me hear my own voice again and define success on my own terms.
6. slowing down can be an act of self-respect.
not every season is meant for running. some seasons are meant for walking, observing, learning, and gathering information. i learned that slowing down doesn’t mean giving up. it means choosing sustainability over burnout.
what i’ve actually accomplished
i stayed when things were hard.
i learned how to start over without becoming bitter.
i learned how to sit with uncertainty without panicking.
i became self-aware enough to know my values, my limits, and the kind of life i don’t want anymore. i stayed soft in a world that often rewards hardening. i kept believing in better, even when timelines stretched longer than expected.
those are real accomplishments, even if they don’t come with titles, assets, or announcements.
choosing my thirties intentionally
as i step into my thirties, i don’t feel like i’m running out of time. i feel like i finally understand how i want to use it.
this next decade isn’t about proving that i’ve made it.
it’s about building... slowly, intentionally, and honestly.
i want financial stability that’s realistic, not rushed.
i want work that supports my life, not consumes it.
i want peace more than appearances.
i want growth that aligns with who i am, not who i’m trying to impress.
i’m leaving my twenties grateful,
for the lessons,
for the mistakes that made me stronger,
for the heartbreaks that made me human,
and for learning that it’s okay to go at my own pace.
thirty doesn’t feel like an ending.
it feels like permission.
permission to stop panicking.
permission to stop explaining myself.
permission to believe that my life doesn’t need to peak early to be meaningful.
i’m not late.
i’m not lost.
i’m ready.
i’m writing this on january 4th. christmas has been over for a while now, and i think i needed the distance before i could write about it. some days need to settle first.
christmas day in our family is never quiet. even now, i can still picture it clearly. the kitchen already busy, pots clinking, containers being opened and stacked on the table. there’s always too much food. as adults, we’re the ones moving around now, preparing, reheating, serving, asking if everyone’s eaten yet.
it feels different from when we were kids, but it feels right.
growing up, there was an unspoken rule we all followed: whoever has the capacity gives. no one explained it. it was simply how my grandparents led our family. there was no pressure to give more than you could, and no comparing. just giving, because it was christmas, and because it was family.
as kids, my cousins and i didn’t think about any of that. we just knew christmas meant sitting on the floor, waiting to open gifts, tearing through wrapping paper, laughing too loud. the room was always full of noise. adults talking in the background. someone taking photos we didn’t know would matter someday.
i understand those moments differently now.
when i started working, i didn’t decide to carry the tradition forward... it just became part of me. buying gifts for everyone became my thing. my mom, my siblings, my grandparents, my aunties and uncles, my cousins. it never felt like an obligation. it felt like my way of saying thank you.
thank you for how i was raised. thank you for the love that felt steady. thank you for a family that made generosity feel normal.
christmas feels different now that we’re older. the table is fuller with food, but the room isn’t always as full as it used to be. some cousins are working overseas now. we talk about them while eating, mention time differences, say we’ll call later. they’re missed, even as we’re proud of them.
still, the day finds its rhythm.
between eating and cleaning up, karaoke always happens. someone picks up the mic. a song starts playing. voices crack. lyrics are forgotten. no one cares. we laugh more than we sing. the house fills with noise again, and for a moment, everything feels complete.
some things have changed over the years, but the heart of christmas in our family hasn’t. my lola carries it now. through her, the tradition continues.
i’m grateful for this family. for the values passed down to us. for the way we still gather when we can. for a christmas that doesn’t ask for perfection, only presence.
i’m sharing throwback photos of me and my cousins opening gifts as kids. looking at them now, it’s clear those moments never really left us. they grew with us. they show up in the way we prepare food, give gifts, sing off-key, and make space for one another.
it’s january 4th now. christmas feels far away, but the gratitude is still here.
and that’s what i wanted to remember. 🎄🤍
i also compiled some small clips from christmas day into a youtube video. just little moments i wanted to keep.
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