i’m writing this on january 4th. christmas has been over for a while now, and i think i needed the distance before i could write about it. some days need to settle first.

christmas day in our family is never quiet. even now, i can still picture it clearly. the kitchen already busy, pots clinking, containers being opened and stacked on the table. there’s always too much food. as adults, we’re the ones moving around now, preparing, reheating, serving, asking if everyone’s eaten yet.

it feels different from when we were kids, but it feels right.

growing up, there was an unspoken rule we all followed: whoever has the capacity gives. no one explained it. it was simply how my grandparents led our family. there was no pressure to give more than you could, and no comparing. just giving, because it was christmas, and because it was family.

as kids, my cousins and i didn’t think about any of that. we just knew christmas meant sitting on the floor, waiting to open gifts, tearing through wrapping paper, laughing too loud. the room was always full of noise. adults talking in the background. someone taking photos we didn’t know would matter someday.

i understand those moments differently now.

when i started working, i didn’t decide to carry the tradition forward... it just became part of me. buying gifts for everyone became my thing. my mom, my siblings, my grandparents, my aunties and uncles, my cousins. it never felt like an obligation. it felt like my way of saying thank you.

thank you for how i was raised. thank you for the love that felt steady. thank you for a family that made generosity feel normal.

❮ ❯

christmas feels different now that we’re older. the table is fuller with food, but the room isn’t always as full as it used to be. some cousins are working overseas now. we talk about them while eating, mention time differences, say we’ll call later. they’re missed, even as we’re proud of them.

still, the day finds its rhythm.

between eating and cleaning up, karaoke always happens. someone picks up the mic. a song starts playing. voices crack. lyrics are forgotten. no one cares. we laugh more than we sing. the house fills with noise again, and for a moment, everything feels complete.

some things have changed over the years, but the heart of christmas in our family hasn’t. my lola carries it now. through her, the tradition continues.

i’m grateful for this family. for the values passed down to us. for the way we still gather when we can. for a christmas that doesn’t ask for perfection, only presence.

i’m sharing throwback photos of me and my cousins opening gifts as kids. looking at them now, it’s clear those moments never really left us. they grew with us. they show up in the way we prepare food, give gifts, sing off-key, and make space for one another.

it’s january 4th now. christmas feels far away, but the gratitude is still here.

and that’s what i wanted to remember. 🎄🤍

i also compiled some small clips from christmas day into a youtube video. just little moments i wanted to keep.

it’s sunday night again. the kind where the air feels heavy and quiet, and all i can think about is how fast the weekend went by. i wish i could say i was productive... that i got up early, cleaned my room, organized my thoughts, or worked on something meaningful. but the truth is, i didn’t. i spent most of my time in bed, scrolling endlessly on my phone, jumping from one random video to another until i lost track of time.

and now that it’s already evening, i feel that familiar guilt, the kind that creeps in when you realize you let the days pass without doing anything “worthwhile.” it’s funny how even rest can make you feel like you’ve failed at something. i keep telling myself it’s okay to slow down, but sometimes it’s hard to believe it.

still, if there’s one thing i don’t regret doing this weekend, it’s spending time with my family yesterday. we lit candles, offered flowers, and said our quiet prayers for our loved ones who have passed on. it’s something we do every year, but it hits differently each time. there’s this stillness that settles when we’re all together. watching the candles flicker, remembering faces and moments that used to be so alive. it’s bittersweet, but in a comforting way. it reminded me that no matter how fast life moves, there are traditions and people that ground me.

after that, i found myself thinking a lot... maybe too much. about turning 30 soon. about how much has changed and how much hasn’t. about how i’ve been craving independence, maybe even wanting to move out, but also worrying about the cost of it all... financially, emotionally, mentally. sometimes i feel like i’m behind, like i should’ve figured things out by now. but at the same time, i know i’m doing my best with what i have.

i’ve been wanting to “get my life together” lately. to be more organized, more intentional, more put-together. i imagine waking up early, keeping my space tidy, planning my days, having that sense of control over my life again. but right now, i’m not there yet. and maybe that’s okay. maybe it’s okay to admit that i’m still learning how to show up for myself, even when i don’t feel like it.

sometimes i think being in my late 20s feels like standing in the middle of a bridge, one foot in the comfort of who i used to be, the other trying to step into who i’m becoming. it’s messy and confusing, but i guess that’s part of growing up too.

so tonight, i’m trying to give myself some grace. maybe this weekend wasn’t wasted. maybe it was just a pause i needed. a moment to breathe, to reset, to remember what actually matters.

i didn’t clean my room or cross anything off my list. but i spent time with my family. i remembered people i miss. i thought about my life and what i want it to look like moving forward. maybe that’s a kind of productivity too, the quiet kind, the one that happens in your heart.

so here i am, ending this sunday night a little more forgiving of myself. i’ll try again tomorrow. i’ll keep trying until things start to feel lighter. for now, i’m letting the silence of this night remind me that it’s okay to rest. that i’m allowed to pause. that i’m still moving, even when it doesn’t look like it.

here’s to a gentler start to the week, and to slowly figuring things out, one quiet sunday night at a time.

this is me and my younger sister. we are two (almost three) years apart, but our relationship as sisters is not similar to being besties. i feel like more of a mother to her rather than a friend, and i think she would agree. i would give her advices and tell her the lessons i'm learning from life that she may use as she traverse thru her journey, and i would scold her like a mom would when she gets home late from going out with her friends. we like different things and our values may not always align, so maybe that's why we don't bond as much as bestfriends would.

today i sent her off towards her new journey. she just left out of town to find better opportunities career-wise. we have lived together in our family home since forever, fighting even in the pettiest of things, and now that she has left, i'm feeling a bit emotional. i am more than happy and proud that she is brave enough to leave home and chase her dreams, but i also feel a bit sad because i won't be seeing her now as often as i do before. the house would somehow feel emptier.

perhaps today is the day when i finally understood what it  actually means to be the eldest sister. similar to what parents are, i also get protective of my younger siblings. if i am to be selfish, i would rather have them here close to me so i can always see and make sure that they are safe, and protect them whenever needed. however, that could hinder their growth and could deprive them of better opportunities, so even if it makes me sad and a bit worried, i fully support her leaving our hometown to pursue whatever she wants in life.

i'm pretty sure life away from home will never be easy and it would be uncomfortable, and so i pray her lots of stregth to conquer the challenges that may come her way. i genuinely pray her all the best in life, and even if i don't often show it, i got her back... always and forever and no matter what.

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