hey, dear reader! life has been pretty great recently, but i still have my fair share of "ayoko na" moments, so allow me to share some bits & pieces of how life has been lately. you don't know how much willpower it took me to finally sit down and intentionally start a draft for this post.

it's always the hardest to start, they say, and i strongly agree, because it took me a short while before i am able to start typing down on here again. it took me a hot minute to gather my thoughts and organize them. they've been all over the place i must say. my line of thinking has been so tangled that the act of turning my thoughts into comprehensible paragraphs has been a little bit challenging. however, scratch that, because as i always say, i'd like to update this little corner once in a while for my future self to visit and look back on.

i remember those college days when i would religiously upload weekly life lately posts. i would take the time to gather all the moments that i've captured during those weeks, edit them to make them look decent before uploading them in the blog, and write something down for each photo to relive those moments through words. ahhhh, i surely miss that kind of energy. where did all those creativity and energy go? i can no longer find them these days. anyway, i would still read through those past blog entries every once a while and they remind me so much of those simple and humble days. a lot has changed already.

i know i sound like a broken record when i say this, but can you believe how time flies real fast these days? it's the 30th of august today and it's already september in less than 2 days. december is coming in a blink, then it would be another year, then i will turn 29 in early january. oh nauuuuuur. so close to 30 already!

but anyway, i think this would be a great time to run through and think about how life has been for me lately.

well, this month was emotionally challenging for me. i'm just glad that i'm feeling better now because in the early weeks of august, i felt like i was losing hope already - not that i would give up, but i felt like i'd be stuck in this unpleasant feeling forever. it felt chaotic and i thought that would be it for the rest of my life. i was trapped in some negative thinking, but i'm glad that i'm over those now. i feel better and i'm pretty much optimistic again.

also, august has been good, but it was not eventful for me. well, overall, this year has not been eventful  so far. i have been occupied with so much work that my life has been pretty much just revolving around my daily grind. it was not that healthy, i must say, because i have not experienced as much burnout as i had this year. of course, i wasn't happy about it, but this is just me trying to survive my breadwinner life and this crazy economy.

here's something i wrote in august 19 to express how i've been constantly feeling towards work lately. thankfully, it's getting better recently.

work has been a little too stressful, yep, and i actually dropped a ball due to the amount of workload and it disappointed a client at some point, but i'm glad that the bosses have been understanding and patient with me. they didn't blame me for that, rather they understood that, that's just how it is now. with the increasing number of clients and amount of workload, i just can't be "perfect" as i used to anymore. lol. not that they see me as "perfect" but that's how i tried to be for so many years when it comes to work, except that you can't really expect me to come early at work - that's what i have been trying to work on and it frustrates me every time. lol. however, that would be a story for another time. 

also, this month i got sick prolly due to stress, and when my body is sick, that's when usually all the negative feeling come rushing into my system, which, i think, explains why august has been emotionally challenging for me.

and because i was desperately thinking how to be on top of my workload again, i took some time to re-read getting things done by david allen. "almost everyone i encounter these days feels he or she has too much to handle and not enough time to get it all done," he said, and i must say i am pretty much part of that "everyone," that's why i picked his book up again, and somehow i found comfort.

also, here's a conversation that i have with a friend recently and it shows how adulting feels. some of them is in hiligaynon, but the gist of it is... i was pretty much wondering what it would feel like to not be responsible because pretty much all the stress that i have been feeling comes from all my responsibillities both at work and in my family. but that's just me wondering. of course, i can't afford to not be responsible. lol.

despite the crazy emotions that i have been feeling, august wasn't bad after all. there was actually one saturday when i went out with my sibs and w for the first time in a while. that was my most favorite memory from this month.

as i was craving for some korean bbq, we decided to have samgyup for lunch at that time. it happened that there was a newly opened samgyup restaurant in town, so we decided to try it.

the place is nice. however, we weren't satisfied of the food and i don't think it's something i will go back to again. unfortunately, it did not satisfy my craving, but it's all good because the moment spent with the people dearest to me is more important than the food. 😄

after lunch, we went to SM and played at an amusement facility with my nephew. i can see how much he enjoyed that time and i wouldn't trade it for anything.

after that, we headed to the beach for a foodtrip session and to watch the sunset. look at how beautiful the place is now. it wasn't always like that. i mean, it has always been beautiful, but the current administration took effort to make it cleaner and better, and i'm glad because this place has always been my go-to every time.

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spontaneously writing on here again like i used to. i don't have anything specific in mind to share about—i just missed typing down here to ramble about life and anything in between.

funny that at the beginning of the year, i actually thought i would have more time to blog this year. i was hopeful, but life happens as it always does. so now i no longer mind if i could still get to update this blog or not. i just want to go with the flow and blog whenever i feel like it.

hmm... when i was younger, i would wonder why adults always seemed to be in a hurry and grumpy and were short-tempered even to little inconveniences. now, i understand  because at some point, i am that "adult" already. with responsibilities left and right, it feels like the days are getting shorter and shorter—an hour seems like just a minute now. with lots of things to do, i always feel like i needed to move faster than i used to. a long morning routine now became a morning rush. and even an 8-hr sleep seemed to be a luxury aleady. and i'm tired. constantly. plus this summer heat is becoming unbearable, and the last thing i would want is to be inconvenienced. dang, girl. i used to be so patient. now, idk what happened. lol.

i don't think i can live my whole life this way, though. i don't want a life lived in a rush. i don't want to always be in a hurry. i want to take things slow. i want to live simply, slowly and mindfully. i don't want to always be rushing to get the next big thing, but i honestly feel like doing a lot and living in a rush are the means to survive these days. but actually, they're not. they shouldn't be. it's just that... i don't know.

now that i am actually typing these thoughts out of my head, i realized i really have to do something already. i have to get out of this rabbit hole sooner rather than later. otherwise, i'd be doomed.

and i no longer know what else to say. my thoughts are all over the place and my mind is in chaos, so here's a sunday currently to somehow save this blogpost from all the mess.

READING

i am currently not reading anything recently, but i plan to start reading a new book this week - i'll keep this blog posted (hopefully lol)! =)

WRITING

i'm not writing anything either othen than this blog post. i have not written anything physically on my journal these days for quite a while now and it's probably the reason why life has been quite chaotic lately. journaling helps me big time most especially on overwhelming times like this, but i haven't been making time to sit down for it. gosh, my bad.

LISTENING

i'm listening to yeng constantino's songs on repeat right now. it reminds me of my highschool days soooo much when i can still mostly relate to her songs. also, she was here last night for capiztahan. i love to sing her songs in the karaoke, and of course i can't let that opportunity to see her perform live pass by. i went to see the event with my cousins and aunt. she's a performer indeed and i would want to see her again next time that i get the chance to on a much better and closer view.

THINKING

honestly thinking how i can survive this life. at this point, all i can say is, i'm tired and i badly wanna get out of this fast-paced life so bad.

HOPING

really hoping that i could be able to manage my time well this time. gradually. one step at a time.

NEEDING

i'm in need to master the art of time management really bad. i won't expand any further, but please, if you have some tips and tricks to share, i'd appreciate it so, so much! or maybe share your own struggle with it to at least let me know that i am not the only one? haha!

FEELING

obviously, i'm feeling messy and chaotic. i can't keep up with household chores. i can't keep up with my laundry. you see? this life is one huge mess these days. i just can't. i can't live in this chaos.

huh, i'm just glad that i am able to let these all out.

on another note, when i was younger,  all i wanted was to have a job and work until idk when. i wasn't really that interested to learn things about running a business and actually thought i wasn't born to be a business person.  now, my interests have changed. pretty recently, i have been really fascinated to learn how businesses work. anything that i like or need, i always think of selling the same to others 😁 recently, i enjoy learning how to utilize social media to sell products. i try to build facebook pages from scratch, creating logos and whatnot. it's been fun!

i thought i'll just do accounting my whole life, but i find it interesting now to try things that are out of my comfort zone. also, i guess my accounting knowledge definitely gives me a good advantage in running a business, so i gotta put it into good use, right?

this new venture that i am taking is actually one of the biggest reasons why i'm pretty much living in a rush these days + breadwinner duties. it's been tough, i must say. and to add, i have been taking a managerial role at work more seriously now. so yeah, that's pretty much a bit of an update about my chaotic life as of the moment.

hope life's been treating you well! :)

i remember as a child, i would always wait for this time of the year to come. way back, it actually feels like waiting for one year round, but these days, it seems that christmas just comes in just a blink each time. idk if it's the world or just us growing up, but time flies very swiftly.

...and just like that, it's christmas once again.

this Christmas was just like any prior Christmas that was celebrated with the whole family. we attended the Christmas Eve mass on Christmas Eve (of course), then we stayed up so late until 3am just chitchatting about the most random things, then woke up late the next day (as expected).

the rest of the morning was spent preparing food for the whole family. we don't usually have our noche buena and our Christmas menus are usually prepared right on Christmas day because that's when everyone in the family would usually come over. i have always spent my Christmas with the family my whole life so far. it's a family tradition that has existed ever since i can remember. i don't know how it started, but as per my mama, it's something my grandparents have built for the family. i don't think they grew up with this family tradition, but they tried their best to make Christmas a special occasion for all of us and it is something that each one looks forward to every time. i'm so thankful for them, as well as my parents, because they have always made Christmas my favorite season ever since.

the afternoon was spent singing on the karaoke, and eating, and singing, and eating once again. christmas will never be complete without a karaoke session with the family.

on the evening, we had our exchanged gifts. there were separate gifts intended for our manito or  monita, then everyone was free to put their gifts to anyone or everyone under the Christmas tree, then my eldest tita would distribute them to whoever. basically, we get the chance to share our blessings with everyone. anyone who has the means to give can give gifts to whoever or to everyone. nobody is obliged, but it has been a tradition that we've grown up to. when i was younger, my grandparents, my parents, aunts, and uncles would give gifts to all of us kids. they still do up to this day. and now that we're grown-ups already, we also got used to preparing gifts for everyone. that's why a Christmas sinking fund is very important. i didn't have one this year, and danggg, it was pretty challenging. i promise to make it a priority in 2024 going forward.

to wrap it up, this year's Christmas was simple yet wonderful. i didn't have much expectations on it. being reunited with the whole family on Christmas day was more than enough to be thankful already. i'm so thankful for the bond that has been built among us. Christmas always reminds me of how blessed i am with my family. i didn't get to choose it, but God gave me the best. i'm grateful for the Christmas tradition that my grandparents have started—to gather everyone during Christmas and to share each one's blessings. it is something that i hope i can continue with my future offspring and even make it better.

how did you spend your christmas day? what are you most thankful for this christmas? i would love to know your story! <3

p.s. i am in the process of putting together a video blog of my christmas day. will upload it here once that is done. trying to get back into this hobby once again. :)

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this is me and my younger sister. we are two (almost three) years apart, but our relationship as sisters is not similar to being besties. i feel like more of a mother to her rather than a friend, and i think she would agree. i would give her advices and tell her the lessons i'm learning from life that she may use as she traverse thru her journey, and i would scold her like a mom would when she gets home late from going out with her friends. we like different things and our values may not always align, so maybe that's why we don't bond as much as bestfriends would.

today i sent her off towards her new journey. she just left out of town to find better opportunities career-wise. we have lived together in our family home since forever, fighting even in the pettiest of things, and now that she has left, i'm feeling a bit emotional. i am more than happy and proud that she is brave enough to leave home and chase her dreams, but i also feel a bit sad because i won't be seeing her now as often as i do before. the house would somehow feel emptier.

perhaps today is the day when i finally understood what it  actually means to be the eldest sister. similar to what parents are, i also get protective of my younger siblings. if i am to be selfish, i would rather have them here close to me so i can always see and make sure that they are safe, and protect them whenever needed. however, that could hinder their growth and could deprive them of better opportunities, so even if it makes me sad and a bit worried, i fully support her leaving our hometown to pursue whatever she wants in life.

i'm pretty sure life away from home will never be easy and it would be uncomfortable, and so i pray her lots of stregth to conquer the challenges that may come her way. i genuinely pray her all the best in life, and even if i don't often show it, i got her back... always and forever and no matter what.

hi, i found myself getting active on here again. this always happens every time i decide to get myself off of facebook, ig, and twitter. getting off of these platforms is always the best thing to do for me. i found myself happier and doing more in life. recently been getting up early and logging into work earlier than i usually do too. and i'm feeling at ease and chill these days which makes me romanticize life more.

also, idk if anyone out there can relate, but i feel like i am in this phase in my life where i don't wanna be seen anymore at all. i mean, i'm just here living my life and i don't want people to know how i am and what i'm doing. they wonder if they wonder—that's just it.

and i find instant messaging really exhausting.  when i'm on it, i feel like people can just break into my life anytime they want to. so with that, i stopped connecting with anyone other than the people closest to my heart. i still have my messenger active, though and i sometimes accidentally read messages, but i don't respond. "accidentally" because i don't usually intend to open them, but i sometimes happen to click on them by chance. and overtime, people just got used to me leaving them on read most of the time. they already know i don't usually respond and i feel like i have made it become a part of my personality now. lol. it actually made life easier because i no longer feel guilty whenever i leave a text on read nor do i feel pressured to respond. now i really don't mind responding to messages when i don't find them important. sometimes, however, i actually wonder if i'm doing this right. while it's good because i have set some boundaries and it is protecting my peace, on the flip side, i wonder if i am isolating myself quite too much? career-wise, would this cost me something? how do i even find the balance? 😅

on another note, i took these photos last year, and they seem perfect for the thoughts that i have just shared. that cottage is kinda the metaphor of the life that i want at the moment. haha!

anyway, hope y'all are having a lovely week!