I don’t know. I don’t know how I am doing now. I don’t know if I’m just fine. I don’t know if I’m sad. I don’t know. Really. I’m numb. Empty. I’m not happy, neither sad. I’m just… ugh… lost? I don’t know.
I miss being busy. I miss being motivated to do things. I miss my optimism. I miss that girl who always talks to God, even if it’s just about the little things. I miss wanting to accomplish a lot of things. I miss… I just simply miss my old self.
I never realized that I never really had a specific long-term goal in life. All I knew then was I wanted to be successful. That’s it. But now, where am I? I’m stuck. I don’t know where else to go. Yes, I wanted to be successful, but I never really thought about how to be successful. I mean, which path should I take? I never thought about that actually. I thought, after I get the title, everything will come easy, that I will just follow through, but nope, I was wrong – vey wrong.
When I was a student, my only goal was to do well in school, try my best to excel, graduate with flying colors, review for the board exam, take the board exam and pass. Now I’m done. I passed the board exam. I’m now a CPA, but what now?
Again, I don’t know.
I don’t know what path to take. I don’t know what kind of job could make me happy. I tried for a while in a private company, where I got stuck in an office more than eight hours a day, 6 days a week with all those papers piled up, a computer screen in front of me, a calculator in my right, facing numbers in thousands and millions, tons of work, employees having their own worlds around, and different kinds of people to deal with. Then, I wasn’t happy. It was just one thing that drags me out of bed in the morning, but it was not something I look forward to each day. Every time I was in the workplace, all I wish is to end the day already. I wanted to just disappear. I wanted to escape.
They say, probably I was just feeling that way because it was still new to me. Maybe, they’re right, but I made my choice. After a few days of training, I left. I don’t know if I should be proud about that, for giving up that easy, but my heart feels lighter now, although that decision actually made me feel a lot more lost. I mean, all my life, I thought, working in an office is something that I would totally enjoy. But why did it turn out that way? Was it the environment? Was it the people? Was it the work itself? What was the problem? Why was I not happy there? That, I have not figured out either.
And so what now? What’s my plan? Do I have even any plans? I don’t know. It’s just that, I got tired of thinking about this and that. I’m tired of thinking about the future for now. My mind is tired. I want a break. I want to let loose. I want to just go through my days without thinking about anything. I got tired making Accounting my life for almost 5 years. All I want now is to enjoy all my lazy days. All I want now is to do things without thinking whether I’m doing them right or wrong. I want to sleep without worrying that I have a task yet to finish.
Rest. Freedom. These are all I need. And I’m having them now, but then… I’m bothered.
Do I really deserve them?
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