I don’t know. I don’t know how I am doing now. I don’t know if I’m just fine. I don’t know if I’m sad. I don’t know. Really. I’m numb. Empty. I’m not happy, neither sad. I’m just… ugh… lost? I don’t know.
I miss being busy. I miss being motivated to do things. I miss my optimism. I miss that girl who always talks to God, even if it’s just about the little things. I miss wanting to accomplish a lot of things. I miss… I just simply miss my old self.
I never realized that I never really had a specific long-term goal in life. All I knew then was I wanted to be successful. That’s it. But now, where am I? I’m stuck. I don’t know where else to go. Yes, I wanted to be successful, but I never really thought about how to be successful. I mean, which path should I take? I never thought about that actually. I thought, after I get the title, everything will come easy, that I will just follow through, but nope, I was wrong – vey wrong.
When I was a student, my only goal was to do well in school, try my best to excel, graduate with flying colors, review for the board exam, take the board exam and pass. Now I’m done. I passed the board exam. I’m now a CPA, but what now?
Again, I don’t know.
I don’t know what path to take. I don’t know what kind of job could make me happy. I tried for a while in a private company, where I got stuck in an office more than eight hours a day, 6 days a week with all those papers piled up, a computer screen in front of me, a calculator in my right, facing numbers in thousands and millions, tons of work, employees having their own worlds around, and different kinds of people to deal with. Then, I wasn’t happy. It was just one thing that drags me out of bed in the morning, but it was not something I look forward to each day. Every time I was in the workplace, all I wish is to end the day already. I wanted to just disappear. I wanted to escape.
They say, probably I was just feeling that way because it was still new to me. Maybe, they’re right, but I made my choice. After a few days of training, I left. I don’t know if I should be proud about that, for giving up that easy, but my heart feels lighter now, although that decision actually made me feel a lot more lost. I mean, all my life, I thought, working in an office is something that I would totally enjoy. But why did it turn out that way? Was it the environment? Was it the people? Was it the work itself? What was the problem? Why was I not happy there? That, I have not figured out either.
And so what now? What’s my plan? Do I have even any plans? I don’t know. It’s just that, I got tired of thinking about this and that. I’m tired of thinking about the future for now. My mind is tired. I want a break. I want to let loose. I want to just go through my days without thinking about anything. I got tired making Accounting my life for almost 5 years. All I want now is to enjoy all my lazy days. All I want now is to do things without thinking whether I’m doing them right or wrong. I want to sleep without worrying that I have a task yet to finish.
Rest. Freedom. These are all I need. And I’m having them now, but then… I’m bothered.
Do I really deserve them?
Guess who’s moving?
Finally, I’ve already made up my mind. I’m now leaving Tumblr – my home ever since I discovered blogging – for good, but not entirely. I would still visit my blog there every now and then. I couldn’t leave it just like that. It became my home, my go-to place every time the real world gets overwhelming. Now that I am left at home, mostly with nothing to do, I decided to learn the ropes in Blogger. Although I’m still exploring each corner of this platform, bit by bit, I’m learning. It would probably just take some getting used to, but I’ll get there.
At first, I was kinda hesitant on moving because this platform seems foreign for me. I mean, Tumblr is a lot more user-friendly for me as compared to this. I’ve been there for almost six good years. I’ve made a couple of blogs here but they turned out as a number of failed attempts, but I hope this one wouldn’t be just one of those blogs I’ve set up then be deleted soon after. I'm hoping this would be my new haven.
Why did I finally decided to do the move? Well, since my CPA review ended, I’ve been stuck in a rut, and I just wanted something new in my life. I’ve actually been meaning to do this ever since. Also, I’ve lost the happiness that I felt every time I open my Tumblr blog. I don’t know. I wasn’t satisfied anymore. I’ve been craving for something more, for something new. Thus, I tried signing up (again) here. And I’m so happy with the outcome! I am actually thrilled to blog more.
Since I am now done with the CPA Licensure Exam (which I have been waiting and studying hard for years), I am now entering another chapter of my life which is the real world – yeah, for real. I’m actually a bit anxious about the thought of this, seemed like I’m not yet ready to leave my comfort zone, but there’s nowhere to go but to move forward. No matter how anxious I may feel, I just have to open doors and take a step forward.
Yes, I left my “supposed-to-be” first ever job.
I mentioned in this post that after having my training there for only two days, the management talked to me that they’re ending my 12-day training and finally hiring me.
But guess what?
After I processed all my pre-employment requirements and submitted those to them, they told me to go back the next day for the signing of a contract. But the next day came, they introduced some parts of my tasks (only some parts because to be honest, there were a lot of tasks), but there was never a signing of the contract that happened. I was taught of the how’s and some why’s of the job. It was Thursday then and then came Saturday, they again called me for a talk in the management room. I thought I will already sign a contract but they said that there were just some concerns that arose, so they have to postpone my employment until this year ends and I have to undergo a training again.
Yes, I understand. I can’t deny the fact that I really need it. I couldn’t understand a lot yet about the job. It was so hard for me to catch up. I mean, yes, I was learning, but the tasks were a lot and I indeed need to first undergo the right process before I could finally be hired, but I just couldn’t get it why they told me they were hiring me tapos babawiin lang rin naman. But despite that, I tried to understand. Even if it was so hard to grasp why, I told myself that they did it for a reason.
At first, it was fine for me. I tried to fight every negative feeling that I had. I was waking up early so I wouldn’t be late because we have to be in the office at 7am or even before that. I thought I was doing fine. I really did think so, but I was not.
There came Monday. I was late and when I entered the office, I felt uncomfortable. Idk. It was actually a weird feeling, but I shrugged it off. I did what I was supposed to do. It was a very busy morning. It was quite exhausting and I suddenly felt like crying. I was trying so hard to hold back my tears. After our first task, I ate lunch alone because the employees were required to attend a conference (I’m not sure if it was really a conference or what) held in the 2nd floor of the building. After lunch, I went back to the office and no one was there. I was alone, then after a few minutes, an employee arrived. She was some kind of my favorite there. She was pretty and nice. She went near me and asked how I was or if I was just doing fine there. I first said I was fine, but she sat down in front of me. I’m not sure, but maybe she felt something was wrong. Idk. Then we had like a heart-to-heart talk and I finally told her I was not doing fine. I cannot exactly remember what I said, but my point is, I was not happy. Then another employee arrived. She’s also one of those nice employees there. She asked me the same thing - if I was doing fine. And before I could answer, tears already ran down my face. I was not able to hold them back any longer. And they advised me to talk to the Finance Manager. They offered to tell the Finance Manager that I have a concern so we could talk, and they did.
I had a talk with the Finance Manager in the top management room. I didn’t tell her that I was not doing fine. I told her some other excuses. I’m sorry I had to create lies (they are partly true at some point, but not entirely). All I ever wanted at that moment was to leave and never come back. I finally realized I was not happy there. I guess, I’m quite fine with the job, but I was not comfortable with the environment in the workplace. Ever since. I felt pressured and I couldn’t deal with too many people every day. It exhausts me.
And I didn’t feel that they need me there. They were very busy and I actually felt like I was a burden because they have to train me and of course, they couldn’t focus on their actual tasks. And it was the very thing that really pushed me to leave. They didn’t show it to my face but I never really felt needed. I felt like I was being tested and played on.
After I talked to the Fin. Mngr, she told me that she will relay my concern to the head and it was approved. Immediately it was my last day there. I had to say goodbye.
At first, I felt weak for giving up too soon, but I’m happy that I made a decision (even if it was hard for me). I felt a lot lighter now.
I have learned a lot in my very short stay in the company. I realized a few things. I’ve gained quite a few acquaintances. I’m grateful for the kindness that the Finance Mngr have shown me. I’m grateful for the experience that they’ve given me.
Right now, I’m thinking where to apply again. I have been referred to apply here and there. A lot better opportunities are open, but I’m not sure if I should grab them. After that experience, I still couldn’t figure out what could make my heart happy. I’m still confused and I feel lost.
But there’s no need to rush. Even my family, wanted me first to take a break. And I guess, I have to.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Social Icons