First and foremost, please know that I am so proud of you.

It’s already been twenty years. I can still imagine how startled you were when your mom told you stories about how you fought for life when you were still a baby, how she was crying because she thought you won’t live long. But hey! You’ve survived and you’re already in your twentieth! God is indeed amazing!

Do you remember the first day you were sent to school? I can feel how excited you were. You were full of questions about how a classroom looks like, what a teacher looks like. You were very excited to hold the pencil and write on your paper. And that moment when you learned how to put color on the shapes you drew, I knew you were the happiest. Every day when you go to school, you knew it would mean another stars from your teacher which you always proudly showed to your mom  and dad who would always say, “Very good, anak!” and you always got that pat on your back. How nice that feeling was.

Can you still remember the feeling of being able to top the class? I doubt if you even felt anything that time. You were still in kindergarten then and you didn’t know a thing about competitions. You didn’t feel any pressure or anything. You still didn’t value those things. Those were the days when competition is not yet a thing, where you don’t feel pressured of the people around you. You just felt nothing, like everything was just equal. Nobody was above any other. Life seems peaceful then.

Do you still remember the first time you joined a group and danced in front of many people? I guess you felt shy (because you were always the shy kid), but still you managed to dance that shyness away without the feeling of holding back. You didn’t care yet about how other people might say. You were carefree. That’s what the freedom of not caring about the judgmental society feels like and that was great.

Do you still remember the first time when you weren’t able to be on the top 10? That was one of those times when you felt some things are really just unfair – that people are unfair. Yet, you still managed to brush that idea off your mind. You were just ten then and you chose to enjoy your life and I’m glad you did.

Do you still remember when you first joined a Math Competition? Among any other pupils from different schools, you were on top and that was the first time you felt how awesome it is to be on top and whenever that annual competition came, you tried your best to ace it. And that’s when the word “competition” made sense to you.

And there came high school.

Do you still remember how nervous and excited you were during the first day of school? I can still picture your smile and how happy you were then, how excited you were upon going home to tell your mom, dad, and your siblings about what first day high feels like. You even tried to name your classmates one by one. And I saw how you liked them a lot and that was good.

Can you still remember that day when you saw your classmates’ gadgets, luxurious cars and big houses? You started to look little about yourself. You felt like you were nothing because you’re just poor and your classmates were rich. You somehow felt envious.  But the good thing is you again managed to shrug the idea away. You just tried to fit in with just keeping quiet. You didn’t boast about anything, because you don’t even have anything to boast about. You just never wanted to be humiliated which, gladly, your classmates never ever did. Imagine how blessed you were for having them.

Do you still remember those times when you tried your hardest to meet every requirement in school and pass the exams? That was the time when you wanted to prove to yourself that even without those gadgets, luxurious cars, and big houses, you can still be on the same level with your classmates when it comes to academic performance. You were too eager then.

Do you still remember when you ranked third during the second quarter of your sophomore life? I knew how happy you were and how proud you were of yourself then. Even if it was just once, it has been a big thing to you.

Do you still remember when you had your first ever ultimate crush? Maybe that was one of your greatest treasured high school memories. You got to see him every school day and even abled to be near him, joined the same lunch table with him and belonged in the same circle of friends. You’ve got a lot of happy (and hurtful) memories with him, right? Those will always be treasured, I know.

Do you still remember those times when you had a lot of happy crushes in school? You don’t know them, even their names, but just by simply seeing them around the campus makes your day. And sometimes, having those mere happy crushes is way better than having an ultimate crush. Am I right or am I right?

Do you still remember when you lost one of the most important persons in your life? Of course you won’t. It’s almost three years ago, but I know, until now, that heartbreaking memory still flashes back. Everything’s still clear like as if it just happened yesterday. And that’s when you knew that your friends got your back and right at this moment, while typing this, I know how you missed your high school friends, and yeah, how you missed your dad.

Do you still remember when you marched to get your diploma? You were teary-eyed then, because you remembered your dad. He was the most excited person for your graduation. He was the proudest. He even jokingly said that he will save his salary so he could buy a barong for your graduation, but he, very unexpectedly, was not able to make it. (Sorry for bringing the memories back. Stop crying, dear self. Let me wipe your tears.)

Do you still remember when you first stepped in college? You were anxious then. You were not yet ready. At first, you didn’t like the idea of going to that university, right? It wasn’t your dream university, I know. You once dreamed to be an Iska, but that’s okay. This is where the force of the universe brought you. Everything happens for a reason, right?

Do you still remember that another heart-breaking moment when you lost a loved one once again? I bet yes, because again, you never forget moments like those. He was your best supporter and how you missed him so much. But that’s the context of real life, right? People always come and go. We have to accept that fact, whether we like it or not. And again, things happen for a reason. You missed your grandpa, yes. I know I’m holding back your tears. I feel like there’s a lump in your throat.

Do you still remember the first time you joined a competition in college and won? You never saw it was coming, but it just did. GOD IS ALWAYS GREAT. That was the time when people (your classmates and some fellow BSA) started to notice you. You felt like somehow you are invisible no more. That feeling was good, I bet.

Do you still remember those times when you got your heart broken by a guy you never even had? Let’s be thankful for those moments. It made up who you are now. Even though it made you not to trust guys anymore (not for now perhaps), but maybe it’s for good. You can’t let any guy go along your way just yet. Enjoy yourself first. You still have a lot of time to explore. Being twenty does not mean you already need a boyf, right?

Memories, memories, memories, you’ve made a lot – that maybe something that brought you bliss or something that wretched your heart – they all made you to a person you’ve become. And reminiscing all those moments and reminding you of them one by one might take almost forever. So, let’s just keep anything else between you and your memory.

Whoa! It’s seems like just a few months ago when you were still that curious little girl wondering what it feels like to be a young adult. Now you’re twenty and so, let that sink in, self (OMG!).  I know that the road you’ve gone through was never smooth. There were bumps and holes along the way, yet you made it this far. You’ve grown up a little bit more. It’s pretty much of a challenge to function in a world of increasing tensions and problems where everyone expects you to be more responsible, but I know you can do it. I know you can.

Just please remember to think first about the possible concerns before making a decision – that may be big or small. Don’t deprive yourself of the freedom and happiness that you need. Don’t be held back by the thought about what people might say. Just do what you think is right. Give importance to your studies. Drop those nasty habits if you must. Never hesitate to give your best shot. Take care of yourself. Show your love to the people around you. Don’t settle in your comfort zone. You’re a teen no more and going outside the line could be great. Just give it a try. Change could be good. Just don’t forget about your limits. And lastly, be an instrument to ease your family’s burden. Ask for help from the Man above. Never forget Him. He’s the reason for everything.

I LOVE YOU, SELF! AGAIN, I AM SO PROUD OF YOU! Cheers to a splendid 20’s ahead of you! *throws confetti*

Monday | 010416

First day of school this year, but most of our prof didn’t held their class, only ma'am Lanie did, but I spent almost 11 hours in school and just doing all the sitting is pretty exhausting, I tell you. But I’m glad because I was able to scan my notes in between. I opened my books not because I’m forced to, but because I want to, and it’s indeed a great feeling - being not obliged to do so, just having a free choice.

We didn’t have class in our last period which is 5:30-7:00, but we waited for almost 45 mins before we decided to leave because there’s no sign of our prof coming. I then sent my mom an SMS if we could go somewhere and eat something. She agreed and we settled to dine in Mang Inasal (because unli rice, y'know. I was hungry, remember?) instead of having a (very late) merienda, besides it was almost seven.

When we got home, we ate dinner for the second time, so my sibs won’t find out about the unplanned dinner because they might feel bad about it. They are younger than me so we can’t expect that they’ll take every situation with a mature way of thinking (if you know what I mean).

Night-study session update: No self-study for this evening.

Tuesday | 010516

This is just another typical school day. We checked the problem-solving part of our exam in Tax and left the essay part for our prof to do the checking. I was slightly late and I have to accept the aftereffect of that: I wasn’t able to have a plus point (yes, it’s only a point, but it could be a big help). Our prof asked some volunteers who will solve the problems in the board - one for each problem - and if the answer is correct, he/she will gain a bonus point. Actually, I wasn’t that late because when I arrived, there still some problems unanswered and I was even able to raise my hand with the hope that our prof will pick me, but luck wasn’t on my side. Anyway, I’m still glad because I only got one problem incorrect and almost the whole class got it wrong, too. I guess, that part wasn’t explained clearly during the discussion and perhaps it might have needed more emphasis.

After our class in Tax, I have a quite long vacant hours (9:00-2:30), and just like the usual, I went home so I could scan my notes for our afternoon classes and also to take a nap.

After my class in the evening, I had another unplanned going out with my mom, her friend and her friend’s sister who’s also in my age. We went to Pinggan and ordered a whole of pizza. Each of them only ate one slice and me, I ate two and two slices already got my stomach heavy, which explains why I wasn’t able to have rice for dinner.

On the other note, I’ve learned several things today. Our prof in Comp shared a lot of inspirational words to us during our class regarding with our journey to the three-letter title, CPA, and those words are da bomb, swear! I was moved that I got to heed with his advices and surely I’ll bring those words wherever I go. I’ll make a different post for it (hopefully), so I can share it with you, guys. Who knows, it might help you, too!

After-class study session update: I was able to read a few pages in Advanced Acctg tonight. We’ll be having our preliminary exam on the said subject on Thursday afternoon.

How’s your week going so far?

Friday | 010116

When the clock struck 12, I was hugging my mom. <3 I then kissed her a happy new year. I then hugged and kissed each one in the house a Happy New Year, too! We celebrated the beginning of another year just like the usual. There were a few firecrackers (but of course, I didn’t touched any) and after making all the noises, we decided to go inside to have our media noche. And I forgot to mention, some kids from the neighborhood was in the house and celebrated the New Year with us. Haha. Btw, I wore polka dots which wasn’t even planned. I mean, I just decided to wear my blue PJ’s, just then I noticed that it has white polka dots on it. I’ve worn it several times, but I failed to notice it. Yep, really.

Our welcoming of the New Year wasn’t any grand but I am more than grateful for all the blessings, especially my family.

It’s already past six when I woke up the next morning. I went to church and attended the New Year’s Mass. Everyone’s busy in the house because we’re hosting a (late) Christmas Party for the whole neighborhood. Gladly, the Christmas Party was successfully held through the great effort of my mom (I’m always proud of her), my tita, and my tito and with us being the assistants. I wasn’t that active this year unlike the other years, though. I didn’t exert much effort for that. Idk, but I just don’t feel like doing so. Anyway, seeing everyone enjoying during the party already gave me bliss - those priceless laughs and the atmosphere surrounded with happiness and enjoyment. Wasted men from the neighborhood danced their nerves away. The kids (and also the adults) enjoyed the parlor games. And me? I was the wallflower. Yep. I was just sitting somewhere not-so-far from the crowd and watching everyone enjoy and I was already happy with that. I’m comfortable that way.

The party wasn’t over yet when I entered the house because I felt sleepy, but I ate instead. Sweets, sweets, sweets. I ate three varieties of dessert (sweet tooth alert). Then after we prayed the rosary, I lay down and unconsciously fell asleep. I wasn’t even able to eat dinner.

The first day of the year was well spent!

Saturday | 010216

I met some of my high school mates today - others I’ve seen again after a few months and others after years already. We went to Wayfarer (a resto beside the beach) . The actual plan was to have a lunch, but the foods were very expensive, so we just decided to go with pizza instead. We had a lot of chitchats. It’s actually the first time that almost half of our batch came and it’s the first time that our 4th year class President planned to have a get-together as a whole, but unluckily mostly were busy with their own lives now leaving us incomplete. Anyway, I got to see the changes and so much had changed.

We were separated into two groups since a table couldn’t accommodate us which, according to Hazel, the good side and the dark side (haha). Our table was just spiced up with stories and laughter while the other is spiced up with the same plus beers and smoke. They were actually teasing me because according to them, I’m kind of a goody two-shoes - I don’t drink, smoke and curse.

Most of the time, I was just quiet and just listening and just laughing with them. At the back of my mind, there’s the thought “so much has changed.” Yep, after almost three years, everything seemed different. Everyone have grown into something I’m not comfortable with anymore. I don’t know, but maybe, it’s just that I wasn’t used to their presence anymore. The life I’m living is already so different from them - no bright party lights and I don’t have that much freedom that they have (‘cos I’m still living with the ‘rents). City life is really different, I suppose; not to mention that they have their lives in Iloilo now and some in Manila, while I am left here in our hometown.

Anyway, I’m glad I got to see them again. I missed them so much. I missed high school life big time.