this is an unshared photo from my birthday back in january this year and i’m beyond grateful for my family, my mama most especially, for making that day extra special.
on a separate note, i’m poppin’ on here with this photo to share some thoughts (of vulnerability).
i am feeling emotionally unwell right now and the best thing i want to do is to unfollow people and deactivate my social media accounts. i want to disappear from the online world for a while (maybe except here) and focus on myself.
i spent the weekend inside my room and the only “productive” thing at the very least that i have done over the weekend is the laundry.
i’m going through some struggles which is not mine per se, but i also have to take it. i am considering to move out, and this time, it’s for real. i am still on the first step yet which is doing some research and gathering helpful data for decision making but it’s a start.
i feel like i can’t grow if i stay in this family home. i can’t grow well enough when every time i thrive, i get dragged down by the energy of the people around me. this doesn’t mean that my family is bad or whatever, but it’s just that… my energy does not seem to sync with them at some point anymore.
i think it’s the high time for me to start learning to live by myself and to take full responsibility of my life. let's take cooking for example – i am not learning how to cook for the longest time still, because i am confident that someone else can do it for me in this household. cooking is just one simple example but the thought basically applies with everything. i am not proud for not taking the full responsibility of my life yet at this age, but let’s be real, that’s how it actually is at the moment and i have to be honest with myself and acknowledge this fact so i can start working on it.
i am not yet financially ready to do the move given that i am the bread winner and i pay for almost everything, but i can make myself ready if i really want to, and that's what i'll do. i will have to save up for it, and i hope i can do it the soonest.
anyway, i am actually uncomfortable to talk about my goals and my plans out for the world to see. i usually just keep them to myself until they are achieved and they become real, but this space is, again, an exception, and i want to put it out here for accountability.
also, on another note, it feels like i’ve lived my WHOLE life pleasing everyone in the family — always trying my best to reach their “high” expectations of me. i’ve always been the “goody two shoes” making decisions based off of what other people might think of me, but truth be told, it gets tiring as the days go. i’m exhausted. i’m tired of meeting other people’s expectations of me. it feels like i have been caged my whole life with no enough space to make mistakes and no room to disappoint anyone. most of the days i’m fine with it but some days, like today, it really feels terrible.
and so this time, i finally want to start owning myself. UNAPOLOGETICALLY. it doesn’t mean i love them any less. i am just choosing myself more. ♥️
i am not usually this brave to share these vulnerable thoughts out for anyone to see, but let’s be real. this is me. i am human. i go through difficult days and this is how i thrive.
after all, this is part of life. this, too, shall pass. tomorrow, i’ll get better. ✨
and my heart goes out to anyone who’s not feeling their best today. here’s a reminder that it’s okay to feel. we got this! 💪🏼
Post a Comment