this is my third attempt at writing down something. i’m empty. i feel disconnected, but i’m trying to write this one as calmly as i can. i mean, i’ve always looked calm on the outside... so there’s that.
a lot has been happening lately -- not with my life but with the whole wide world. it’s crazy. terrifying. i can’t believe we are in this era. who would have thought that we’ll all get compelled to stay at home for weeks and keep ourselves at least a meter away from anyone? when did we ever wash our hands and sanitize everything around us as often as we do now? when did the last time we saw the roads emptier than they are now?
honestly, things haven't sunk in that much yet to me. is this real? is this actually happening? i don’t know how to feel.
i’ve been locked at home for a little four days now and it doesn’t feel new to me. i’ve been a home buddy ever since and this is what i actually wanted -- staying home, working from home, but not this way that i am totally locked up that i can’t go out just like that if i want to.
it’s been awhile since the last time that i actually sat down with myself alone -- with no phone in my hand and with no distraction at all. such alone time is personally something of high value right now, something that is very much needed for me. i need to check on myself and do some re-assessment. am i living life the way i’ve always wanted to? am i becoming the person that i’ve always wanted to be? are my habits still aligned with my values? looking at it quickly, 90%, my answer for all of these is no and that’s a little frustrating.
what do i do now? i’m drowning, but the only person who can save me from this dilemma is myself alone. no one else.
so what now, that i have all my time in my hands? ponder? reflect? contemplate? yes, i’ll try.
so what’s the plan? how am i gonna make use of this self-isolation period? how am i going to flip this crisis into something i could take advantage of? well, maybe...
- i’m going to journal. freely. i’ll let my heart out. i’m frustrated, mad, sad, worried, insecure, lost. i’ll let these all out before they consume my entire being.
- i’m gonna brain dump. write down every to-do list that i can think of, groceries list and all other things that i should buy after this whole lockdown. i’m gonna list down sub-tasks for my bedroom makeover project. i gotta create tons of lists, they may be necessary or not. i just need to put them down onto paper to free my head. i need to free myself.
- i’ll disconnect and go on with my days without checking instagram, twitter, and facebook. i’ll temporarily cut everyone off. yes, emphasis on "temporarily." i’m basically tired of everyone else’s shizz. i need some time off. just a week and i’ll be back. i just need to save myself.
- i’ll go a week without checking my phone first off in the morning and will also stop bringing it to bed. i’ll stop checking my phone. i’ll stop waiting for a text. it hurts my eyes. it’s unhealthy. i don’t want it to continue screwing me off (or maybe just for a little while at least).
- i’m gonna finish a book. i’ve never finished even one book so far this year and it’s already the end of the first quarter. maybe it’s now time to do so. just one. only one.
- i’ll go out and spend some time under the sun. maybe climb a hill nearby. take photos. leave my phone. reconnect with nature. it’s much needed.
- i’ll create something. that may be a blog post, a video blog or whatever, i just have to create something.
- i’ll cook at least one dish. i’m twenty-four and i still don’t know how to cook. maybe it's now high time to learn.
- i’ll dance. even if i don’t know how to. even if i look crazy. i’ll dance. i need to move my body. i need to enjoy some quick moments with myself and be crazy. freely. with no judgment. at all.
- i will take time for myself. reconnect. recenter my values. it’s been a while and i feel like i don’t know myself anymore. i need to befriend her once again and make her feel loved and appreciated. i need to be secured even if i'm just by myself. i can’t depend my security on someone or something else, because that, my friends, is not security. never it will be. things and people are temporary. we’ll never exactly know when is their time to leave. now, i gotta learn how to do all these without building my walls too high -- without distancing myself too much. i’m not yet sure how, but i will. i need to.
i hope after this quarantine, i’ll step out of the house with more security. more self-love. more confidence. with a peace of mind. with enough patience to understand things around. with an open mind and an open heart.
i hope the woman that i am now will get out of this much more grounded than ever.
i hope y'all are well.
stay indoor. stay safe. stay healthy.
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sincerely,
riz
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