i find these photos beautiful and peaceful, but my life is quite the opposite at the moment. i mean, i can still find the beauty in it, but the peace... i'm quite not sure about it.

my room has been quite a mess, and so is my life. my physical and digital clutter are a bit too much as of the moment. i'm stressed out and i'm not in the right headspace to be on top of things, and not being on top of things stresses me out more. what a crazy loop!

life has been a mix of the good and the challenging times lately. good because this year has been quite eventful. challenging because it's been pretty much a challenge to be an adult—healing childhood wounds, learning the abc's of #adulthing, dealing with different kinds of people, learning how to handle my mom's whirlwind of emotions every now and then (which is pretty much the most challenging part for me, i must say), and the list goes on.

the past days has been hard for me especially when i feel like i have to carry the burden of everyone. i'm thankful for the gift of family big time and i love them to bits, but let's be real, i get frustrated with them too. i am the bread winner of the family and sometimes i would just hope i am not. of all the responsibilities that i am able to take on in this lifetime so far, being a bread winner is the heaviest. it gets exhausting at times, and when things get tougher and more demanding, i just can't help but wish that my parents knew better. it's quite burdensome to suffer the consequences of their wrong decisions, but i understand that they are human and that they just did what they think was best. they tried their best to do their part. it's just that, they didn't know better. that's why, with all the resources that i have, i am trying my best to break the pattern, and it's undeniably tough! 

i am struggling financially as of the moment. i never wanted to live off paycheck to paycheck, but recently that's been the case. for context, i am the eldest and is the only working individual in my family, and i am currently helping my mom payoff her debts that she has incurred out of her wrong financial decisions. it frustrates me most of the time because i feel like my hard-earned money are just going down the drain, but i still have my hope that this, too, shall pass. this is one of my biggest struggles right now, and i am desperate to get out of it. thus, personal finance management is one of the things that i am constantly learning these days. i am planning to document the journey on here because it could help me become more aware. i hope i can pull it off, and i am looking forward to be more active on here from now onwards.

also, i am thinking about sharing another thing, but that would be a story for another time as this entry is now getting longer.

i'm excited to reignite my love for blogging again. i hope y'all are doing great! =)

i do have my fair share of bad days (i recently had them actually), but i have days like today where i am effortlessly grateful for everything i have in life, for everything that i am surrounded with.

i. my mom and i argue a lot in so many things, but today i am genuinely so grateful for her, for being so hardworking, for always wanting the best for us even if i fail to appreciate her sometimes because i'm too focused on what i think is right for me.

ii. i can't stand nosy and noisy neighbors at times, but i am grateful that they are kind and nice to us, especially to my mom. even if they can be nosy, i'm thankful that most often than not, they are generous and helpful and can lend some helping hands whenever, wherever.

iii. my siblings can be hard-headed every so often and we have fought a lot during our lifetime, but i'm grateful that the three of us have built great relationships with each other as we grew up, and now that we are all grown ups, i appreciate them even more. i'm thankful that they always got my back and vice versa. seeing them grow and improve and become the better versions of themselves really makes my heart happy. i sometimes get teary-eyed whenever i think about how time went by too fast, and we are now slowly (or almost close to) building our own lives with our own families. 🥺 i pray nothing but the best for them — always.

i am thankful for this life that i have. i am grateful that i am given the chance to live this wonderful life in this messy and chaotic, yet ironically, beautiful world.

honestly, i have never felt abandoned by the Man above, ever, in this lifetime. this life can be challenging, but even if i am not deserving, God never gets tired of picking me up and protecting me every time — that's how gracious and forgiving God is.

if there's anything i wanna be in this lifetime, it is to be a light to everyone that i can come across with. that's how my surroundings has been for me — full of light — and i want to spread that light to everyone and bring it anywhere as much as i can.

i hope y'all are having a great week!

this is an unshared photo from my birthday back in january this year and i’m beyond grateful for my family, my mama most especially, for making that day extra special.

on a separate note, i’m poppin’ on here with this photo to share some thoughts (of vulnerability).

i am feeling emotionally unwell right now and the best thing i want to do is to unfollow people and deactivate my social media accounts. i want to disappear from the online world for a while (maybe except here) and focus on myself.

i spent the weekend inside my room and the only “productive” thing at the very least that i have done over the weekend is the laundry.

i’m going through some struggles which is not mine per se, but i also have to take it. i am considering to move out, and this time, it’s for real. i am still on the first step yet which is doing some research and gathering helpful data for decision making but it’s a start.

i feel like i can’t grow if i stay in this family home. i can’t grow well enough when every time i thrive, i get dragged down by the energy of the people around me. this doesn’t mean that my family is bad or whatever, but it’s just that… my energy does not seem to sync with them at some point anymore.

i think it’s the high time for me to start learning to live by myself and to take full responsibility of my life. let's take cooking for example – i am not learning how to cook for the longest time still, because i am confident that someone else can do it for me in this household. cooking is just one simple example but the thought basically applies with everything. i am not proud for not taking the full responsibility of my life yet at this age, but let’s be real, that’s how it actually is at the moment and i have to be honest with myself and acknowledge this fact so i can start working on it.

i am not yet financially ready to do the move given that i am the bread winner and i pay for almost everything, but i can make myself ready if i really want to, and that's what i'll do. i will have to save up for it, and i hope i can do it the soonest.

anyway, i am actually uncomfortable to talk about my goals and my plans out for the world to see. i usually just keep them to myself until they are achieved and they become real, but this space is, again, an exception, and i want to put it out here for accountability.

also, on another note, it feels like i’ve lived my WHOLE life pleasing everyone in the family — always trying my best to reach their “high” expectations of me. i’ve always been the “goody two shoes” making decisions based off of what other people might think of me, but truth be told, it gets tiring as the days go. i’m exhausted. i’m tired of meeting other people’s expectations of me. it feels like i have been caged my whole life with no enough space to make mistakes and no room to disappoint anyone. most of the days i’m fine with it but some days, like today, it really feels terrible.

and so this time, i finally want to start owning myself. UNAPOLOGETICALLY. it doesn’t mean i love them any less. i am just choosing myself more. ♥️

i am not usually this brave to share these vulnerable thoughts out for anyone to see, but let’s be real. this is me. i am human. i go through difficult days and this is how i thrive.

after all, this is part of life. this, too, shall pass. tomorrow, i’ll get better. ✨

and my heart goes out to anyone who’s not feeling their best today. here’s a reminder that it’s okay to feel. we got this! 💪🏼

uhmm... with my attempt to do more of the things i love and to document my life more for my future self to look back on, i decided to include a monthly recap series on this blog ("AGAIN" — which i hope i could keep up 'til the end of this year lol). i was religiously doing this during my early years here on the blogging arena. i was even doing it weekly back then, but life got it in the way, so i eventually had to drop it, even blogging itself.

anyway, it's march already as of typing, and just like that, the first quarter of the year is already almost ending.

nothing much happened in february but here's a few of some notable things during the month:

• i was very busy with work (both with my day job and side hustle), to the point that i had to drop some of my routines just because i was fairly exhausted. i stopped going for a morning walk for a while and i have not get back since. i hope i can get back to it the soonest.

• this month was exhausting both physically and emotionally. i've dealt thru lots of internal battles, mostly because of the lack of self-discipline. i am really having a hard time on this aspect and i frustrate myself every time.

• had a valentines dinner with my mom and my brother on a quite fancy restaurant and it was really spontaneous that we had to hop from one restaurant to another during that time because it was fully-booked everywhere. gosh, it was already almost 9:00 PM when we were able to get a table, but it was all worth-it because it made my mom happy. over the years, i think my mom's love language is treating her somewhere out. also, i surprised her with sunflowers because they are her favorite!

• i started learning how to cook again (for the nth time). i always try but at some point, i also always give up because i don’t have enough patience for it. i am just so not into cooking just yet.

• february was also all about building my morning and night routine but i was still struggling because i had to sleep late and wake up late then rush for work and the cycle repeats.

• i had my booster shot and i bumped into a sibling of a college mate who unexpectedly recognized me despite of us meeting for the first time, and i'm thankful for her kind assistance during the whole process.

i also would like to share a few quotable quotes from my february read, seize today by john mason:

• "there's a difference between interest and commitment. when you're interested in doing something, you only do it when it is convenient. when you are commited to something, you accept no excuses, only results."

• “if you find yourself taking two steps forward and one step backwards, invariably it’s because you have mixed associations in your life.”

i still have more beautiful quotes from the book that resonated with me, but i will prolly share them in my march wrap up because i wasn't able to finish the book in feb.

i am happy to write something like this again. i really miss the good OG blogging feels. i still am not so decided on what to put on this monthly recap thingy. i'm thinking of answering prompts to wrap the month up, or i don't know, really. the important thing is i am able to start. i will just try to improve this series as it goes because the biggest room we have right here is the room for improvement. *wink wink

these are actually the only decent photos i've had in february.

that's a wrap! xx

i have lots of things to do and too many deadlines to catch, but i am not complaining because i always love busy times like this. it's just that, i really struggle with managing my time and i have the tendency to procrastinate. ahh, it's something i badly need to work on.

right now, i am taking a quick break in between work. it's 12:45PM as of writing and i have not taken my lunch yet. i don't feel hungry as of the moment since it was already a little late when i had my breakfast, past 10am to be a little specific. i'm alone in the office, i mean at least in the room where my desk is situated.

recently, i have gotten a little annoyed with myself because my new 6am is now 8am. gracious goodness! my normal waking up time is now at 8am or even past than that. i'm still trying to figure out how i should correct that. every day is like a constant battle between myself and the monkey in my head. i tend to stay up late, thus, waking up late as well. i don't use alarms and i'm too dependent on my body's natural way of waking up. it's used to getting 8hours of sleep, so it's really hard for me to wake up at 6am when i usually sleep at 12 huhu sucha a struggle. so right now, i really have to work on trying to sleep early. it would be hard, thinking about it now, but i really have to. maybe i should try tracking my sleeping hours and share it here for some accountability. oh, please, @self, just please. i will start tracking tonight. i sure will!

another thing that i have been working on is my social media usage. i want to reduce my social media consumption, and in this context, i only mean facebook, instagram and twitter. i'd like to start small as knowing myself, i don't want to be overwhelmed then fail completely. thus, i'm starting with only ditching twitter for 7 days. then, after that, i won't be using twitter plus instagram for another 7 days, then will add facebook next. facebook is the hardest to drop these days especially when we're using it for the business, but i still would like to try.

on another note, i have a lot of engagements lately. i have three financial statements to prepare outside my full-time job, plus i have works to do for the sangguniang kabataan office in our brgy, and a friend hit me up to help him on a possible side hustle that he has in mind.

we had a really great conversation last night and we scheduled a zoom meeting for tonight so we can talk more about it. we need to do it in a video call since he's currently in manila and i am in the province. i am honored that of all people, he remembered me and even the first one to know of his ideas. i greatly support him as it is one of my interests as well. i've always admired this guy when it comes to grit and it's such a privilege to have friends like him. i want to be surrounded by people like this because their spirit always encourages me to aim more and do more.

i'm thankful for everything ✨✨✨ lezz do this 💪

p.s. i took a short break for a couple of months to do some reflecting and contemplating with regards to this past time, and now i'm happy to be back =) hello, blogging world! my old posts are in private for now, but will eventually set them to public anytime soon.

how are y'all doing? happy new year!!!